Anxious, Drained, Stressed, Worried

I've been keeping track of my daily state of mind in the Apple Health App and I check the same boxes almost every day. Anxious, drained, stressed, worried. In the areas of self-care, health, fitness, family, work. I'm not sure why I'm even doing this, maybe the daily ritual is comforting. Every once in a while, my phone will ask me: "Are you ok? Help is available if you're struggling." But I don't feel like I'm struggling. I feel like this is just how it is now, and I will continue to move through it and eventually things will change because they always do. 

I used to try very hard to find something positive in everything, and I realized today I don't do that anymore. I was that annoying person who would always say: "But have you considered this? That? Surely it's not all bad! What are you grateful for today? There is always *something* to be grateful for." It got to a point where it annoyed myself, because it just felt ridiculous and cliché. So I just stopped. Yes, there is something to be grateful for, all the time, but that does not change the fact that some things and some times in our lives just suck. It's great that my husband is retired now and available to help our kids and our granddaughter as needed - but it really sucks that he's retired at 53 because he has a degenerative motor-neuron disease and can't work anymore.

Being grateful for one thing does not make the other suck less. Maybe it makes it a bit more bearable, a little bright spot. But the work of moving through this time in our lives remains and it's probably going to suck for a while. And you know what? I don't want to put a happiness filter on everything. It's ok for things to naturally suck. I try to keep in mind is that many of the things I'm dealing with are not happening to me, they are just happening and I'm part of the story. I'm there to support because I can, and things will eventually change again, because they always do.

I used to worry about change and what will come, and now it's actually a comfort. I felt that I needed a plan and a system and that was going to be my roadmap through life. Set the GPS on autopilot and cruise. That never worked, because there are constant re-calculations and course adjustments. These days I'm reluctant to commit to anything, because my time is one of the few things I can somewhat control and I'm very protective of it. Change makes bad times more bearable because nothing ever stays the same. I find that a lot more comforting {and also a bit exciting} than trying to find a positive angle.

Onward!